Saturday, August 9, 2014

Random Morning Ramblings

It's 5 in the morning... and as to why I'm choosing to blog instead of sleep, I don't even know. But staring at the ceiling far too long than necessary convinced me that maybe, somehow, there's something I need to take out of my chest right now -- before it's too late and the drive to write it down leaves me again, uncertain as to when it would return.

It's takes too much effort to clear my mind these days. I am not loving it, but I am not exactly hating it either. I promised to post as much as I can...but in the end, that "as much as I can" turned out to become "once in a blue moon". Recently, someone mentioned to me that you can't really write [blog] if you are not in the mood.That even though you have too much to say, so much on your head... it takes timing to be able to extract it from your mind and translate it into paper, into words.

"Which is why I’m writing this book. To think. To understand. It just happens to be the way I’m made. I have to write things down to feel I truly comprehend them.” ~ Toru Watanabe, Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami [see, rel: That hits home!]

It was a laid out fact. But the mood thing gets me. Writing my thoughts down is supposed to be my nature, it's not supposed to be a struggle.

These past few months have been a continuing effort of coming out of my shell. I did improve, I'd like to believe that. And it is a good thing right? That I'm starting to open up. Started sharing my thoughts, not just vomiting them out through my keyboard to a computer screen. I keep blurting out my thoughts to others, but at the end of the day, there's this bitter taste in my mouth that translates to: "Everything feels so cheap and feeble."

It's hard to properly and fully explain this, but sometimes I think I am loosing the ability to think deeply and reflect. Extroversion is too exhausting. And for people like me, trying to adapt to it and practicing it on a daily basis more than necessary reduces something in me -- that something that years of thinking and keeping my thoughts to myself have taught me.

I can't properly map out my thoughts these days. And since I am not writing as much as I used to, I can't fully comprehend what's in my head -- I can't fully understand myself. I always get this feeling that writing about something makes it more real. Like thoughts translated into something concrete. Talking about it does not have the same effect, though. It doesn't take much to realize that I would always need writing to tame my thoughts and put them in order. It's my sole solid ground when everything feels like it's spinning uncontrollably.

I can see tiny specks of light breaking through my bedroom window now. It's morning. Maybe this is just me needing some sleep.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Because even mistakes are choices you make yourself.

When everything feels too much, most often than not, they actually are. 

It almost seems like I've gotten myself in a bind lately. My mind is spiraling into this total uncontrollable mess -- and I kept on assuming and assuming things that, for some, won't really add up to something even remotely worthy of their attention. My thoughts are in a haywire. Just because I came face to face with the sad fact that I am not doing enough to explore possibilities and all its little corners. I am always like that. And it led me to thinking that maybe, just maybe, I am sheltering myself yet again to the mistakes that I know I'll eventually make.

I've been living such a controlled life ever since. The words I utter, mapped out. The actions I take, calculated. The decisions I make, thought of. I make mistakes, yes. And sure, there were rare moments when I slipped -- but those can't even be considered as major. I don't even know if it's a good thing. Well, normally, yes --- but I fear that in exchange of all those years of me trying my best to be straight as a stick... is the cruel realization that I am missing out so much.

To fall crazy in love, your actions uncontrollable anymore.
To not follow rules and live life with just total abandon.
To make rash, major decisions without thinking of the consequences.
To just outright follow what YOU like without even knowing where it would lead you or to find out if it even leads to somewhere.

I wonder when I started being so afraid to come out of my shell, my little make-believe. I've tried reacting recklessly in certain insignificant situations...and I am only left with regret right after I vomit the words or subconsciously act without thinking.

I've been thinking about all the things that made up my life thus far... and sadly, I can't even make a decent list of the times when I let go and lived my life according to my instincts. I want to be spontaneous. I want to let loose, for once. And yes, I want to make mistakes -- just to break the monotony that's been going on since I can't remember. I am so ready to make mistakes, but still, too afraid to actually start doing them.

This is not even the first time I've felt like this. I am that content teenage girl who's willing to just settle during those times... but now, I don't think this is enough. I want more -- out of myself, and out of my life. And it sucks to demand something that I don't even know how to get... but I keep searching for it all the same.

I am always choosing the right thing... but the real question is, am I choosing wisely?

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Especially For YOU.

Late. Somehow, I am drowning with all the things that's going on in my mind and my heart and everything. It pays to to stop and think if everything is worth it or if I'm just wasting my feelings away to things that won't really add up to something concrete. Sometimes, it feels like I'm just getting way out of my head and I am over thinking things... but still. Choosing what to think is the easy way out. Being affected is always a choice.

And I know that this thing is unrelated as unrelated can get to what I am saying right now -- but dedicating a song won't be so bad, right? This is for YOU.

Monday, June 23, 2014

2014 Reading Challenge Update!

So much for my 2014 Reading List. Haha. Anyways, I said in my previous post that I'd at least try to post random snippets of everything instead of nothing at all...but as it turns out, even doing that proved a little hard. So I guess, I'll have to make do with this.

Everything is passing me by at full speed right now that it's really hard to imagine how I'll be able to still manage squeezing everything I WANT to do this year. I don't know, life is passing by, experiences and things are passing ME by... but somehow, it feels like I'm suspended in time, stationary. I love to read. I honestly want to read. Those random moments of curling up in bed, late at night, with a book in hand (coffee, optional + the sound of the rain in the background, preferable) still remains one of my warmest & simply happier memories of this year to date. But sometimes, I have to face the fact that being stuck in the fictional worlds that my beloved authors (friends) weave with their words is not really a viable option at the moment. There are far more important things that I have to do, and (pleasure) reading on a daily basis may prove hard to swallow. But still, I make do. You have no choice in the matter, sometimes.

It's a shame that I can't really spend time reading as much as I want to, but mind you, the little times in between that I managed to glance upon a page was really worth it and sometimes, takes the load off a perfectly stressful day. I said it once, and I'll say it once again: reading is some kind of a therapy -- and sometimes, it takes a really bad day to help you realize that. I may be stressed out, sometimes almost pushing myself to the limit, but at least... I have these things here, my friends, that make me smile, cry, and even fall in love when I seriously need a much-deserved break. :D

Half a year has already passed and it really makes me happy that despite THE busy schedule, I was able to accomplish almost 3/4 of my 2014 Reading Challenge.

The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight by Jennifer E. Smith | This Is What Happy Looks Like by Jennifer E. Smith | Attachments by Rainbow Rowell | Annabel by Lauren Oliver | Hana by Lauren Oliver | Delirium by Lauren Oliver | Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell | The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami |  Free Four by Veronica Roth | Divergent by Veronica Roth | Tangled by Emma Chase | Eleanor & Park by Rainbow Rowell |

Earlier this year, I pledged to read 15 books (yep, pretty low book count, but what the hell. haha) And now, as of this date, I already read 12!!! Yeah. So much for that, right? :) Sure, some of it are only novellas (i.e. Annabel, Hana, and Free Four), but it fulfills me seeing everything in their places when I view my Goodreads Reading Challenge. Crossing them out means getting closer and closer to the goal. As you can see, there has been so many recurring authors in there. While it's only normal that Roth and Oliver occupy a bunch of space in here (because they're a series, yeah) -- Rainbow Rowell and Jennifer Smith have been the breakout stars of my 2014 Reading Life thus far. I liked both of their writing voices, and I must say that light reads are certainly a nice deviation to the dark and gloomy plot themes that I've stuck myself into in the past. But of course, artistically speaking, Haruki Murakami trumps over the others and still the one and only king in my heart.

You can click the link (if one is provided) in the list of the books I've read above^ for my review of sorts. It's really embarrassing, because I remember promising to write a review for ALL of the books that I'll be reading this year. That promise still stands, I hope -- 6 more months still to go before the deadline struck true. Don't worry, there's so much in my Drafts folder right now so I guess I may be able to make the cut. Lol. (And boy am I making it sound more serious that it should. Haha,)

So much for all of my random ramblings. I'm sorry to have wasted so much of your time reading all this crap. I just want you to know that I'm very happy and I am writing this post right now because I feel so inspired. I hope this feeling continues, because, promise, this is really something that will keep you going for days no matter how hard. Well, that's about all, I guess. I hope to post another book thought sooner. Ciao!

For book related things this year, you can check out the Bookworm 2014 tag.

Bookworm 2013
Bookworm 2012 (In which you could find reviews of ALL the five books of the ASoIaF series, haha.)
Bookworm 2011

Monday, June 9, 2014

"But certain ones are too important to get lost in all this."

It's been a while since I posted something in this space of mine... and it's certainly much longer since I posted a book quote that pretty much made me stop and think and soak in all the feels that I could get from it. But hey, here I am with another one and it's one that's really random but I can't probably show my love for it any other way.

Here'e something from my current read right now: The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight by Jennifer E. Smith.

"It hard now," he said, his voice breaking just slightly. "I don't get to recommend books to you all that often. But certain ones are too important to get lost in all this." He waved a  hand vaguely between them, as if to define just exactly what this was. 

"Thanks," Hadley said, folding the book into her arms, hugging it to keep from hugging him. That they were left with only this -- this awkward, prearranged meet-up, this terrible silence -- seemed almost more than she could bear, and the unfairness of it all welled up inside of her. It was his fault, all of it, and yet her hatred for him was the worst kind of love, a tortured longing, a misguided wish that made her heart hammer in her chest. She couldn't ignore the disjointed sensation that they were now two different pieces of two different puzzles, and nothing in the world could make them fit together again.
~ Jennifer E. Smith, The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight 

For some reason, something tugged that part of me that gets emotional in all these inappropriate places. And now...I'm pretty sure I'm about to cry if I'm emotionally capable of that right now.

It's not the love story per se...  it's something much more.  And just a few pages from this book and I already know that this could offer me something special. Of course, with all the Oliver thing (Oliveh in that British accent of his), this could go on as one of the more romantic YA books that I've read that makes me want to fall in love again as soon as possible -- but I'm guessing I'll be more affected with all the figuring out stuff in the relationship of Hadley and her father. I can't wait. I honestly can't.

Saturday, May 3, 2014

An update on my life so far. :)

Heyaaaaah! Happy Sunday! I can't believe it's been a long time, I know. Things just got a little out of hand... it has been a series of busy days after the other. Work has been occupying a huge chunk of my life right now (not that I'm complaining), so my blog presence is not really so apparent. And the thing is I find it hard to compose a decent blog post nowadays because y'all know how I'm used to writing long ones. I'm trying to figure out a way to save face...and the only thing that came up is to try to get used to posting short, frequent entries. Would you like that? I don't know myself, but I wish it'd work out. :)

There's so much pressure at work these days. I don't mind most of the time, really. But when I lose the time devoted to doing what I want (ehem, reading), that's when I really lose it. Those were the moments when I really felt burnt out. And I know that escaping into that fictional world (even for just two hours) would make it better. So yeah, I've been jumping from one book to another these past few months and before I knew it,
I've already accomplished almost 3/4 of my 2014 Reading Challenge. Isn't it just rad? Hehe. That surprised me really. Because I've been very busy, and I managed to squeeze this thing in my schedule no matter how jam-packed it is. And since considering I'm a veeeeeery slow reader, I consider it an achievement in it self. Things like this make me keep going --- and I honestly love that feeling. But the downside is that I can't keep up with posting my book thoughts. Haha. But I guess I'll find a way. Don't worry. :)

For the last couple of months, I've had my first out-of-town trip (on my own, meaning without my parents) and I hope I could squeeze it in and tell you all about it. I'm having the best time in my current work right now -- though its keeping me busy and awake most of the time, one thing I can't deny is that it keeps me always pumped up, especially with deadlines. I'm a self-declared couch potato, but i really like it when my adrenaline is on an all-time high because I'm trying to chase a deadline. It's what keeps my mind awake and alert, so no complanin'. :)

I'd like to talk about a lot of things..but I guess, cramming them up in one post would be such an ordeal (for me and for whoever makes the effort to read this boring post, hehe). So I guess I'll just finish this off with a list of what I wanna do (or have or accomplish or anything) for the next months:

  • Get back to writing
  • Keep a journal (AGAIN)
  • Update my scrapbook
  • Go on a trip (AGAIN)
  • Finish my TBR pile 
  • Be a regular at work
  • Excel at work
  • Get a decent (if not excellent) evaluation at work
  • Watch a movie with my siblings
  • Go out more
  • Experience the sun (though I don't really like hanging out with the heat and all)
  • Go to a beach
  • Swim!
  • Reconnect with old friends
  • Talk more
  • Smile more
  • Walk more
  • Eat less (>.<)
  • Commit to wellness
  • Exercise more
  • Write a blog post
  • Update this blog more often
  • Stop obsessing over Facebook or Twitter (srsly, it's ruining my life)
  • Experience life
  • Enjoy more
  • Be POSITIVE all the time
  • Start a savings account
  • Be prudent in spending money
  • Watch what I eat
  • Be a "sunnier" person
  • Stop obsessing over the past
  • Live in the NOW
Haha. Why, that was fun. That was just an unedited, continuous stream of thought. Honestly, I forgot how refreshing it feels to just blurt out everything in writing without a care to the world. Forgive me for all the nonsense. It's time to start doing things. Bye! Here's to more updates in the coming days. :) HAPPY SUMMER! 

Thoughts? COMMENT BELOW and let's talk. :3

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Book: Delirium (Delirium, #1) by Lauren Oliver

I feel really happy because, albeit slowly, I'm beginning to cross out titles after titles in my 2014 Reading List. :) Here's another book that I've been waiting big time to read...and finally, finally, I was able to squeeze it in my schedule. Book thoughts after the jump! :3

"Ninety-five days, and then I'll be safe. I wonder whether the procedure will hurt. I want to get it over with. It's hard to be patient. It's hard not to be afraid while I'm still uncured, though so far the deliria hasn't touched me yet. Still, I worry. They say that in the old days, love drove people to madness. The deadliest of all deadly things: It kills you both when you have it and when you don't. " (via Goodreads)

Delirium is set in a dystopian world where Love was treated as a disease -- Amor deliria nervosa. And Lena Haloway, our heroine is only days away from undergoing the "procedure" that would rid her completely of this infection.

The book started out a little weak for me. Or maybe, the tone of the writing just didn't appealed to me that much. There were moments when I confuse the Divergent universe with this story for some reason -- with the whole "wall" thing and all. But as the story furthers, I can spot all these poetic undertones that marked Oliver's lines and breaks -- and after a while, I got totally hooked. It blossomed, like the way Lena opened up for that emotion that her whole society condemns.

It was a bit silly...but I really mirror the development of Oliver's writing with the way the story progressed. I guess it won't really be a spoiler if I say outright that, yes, Lena indeed fell madly in love with someone in this book. And as she goes deeper and deeper into that abyss that is love, her words began to have this meaning, this much intricate resonance to them, and I started to feel and grasp her character more. What started out as a damaged, unfeeling girl...lead to the discovery of this sensitive, relateable protagonist. And as the story furthers, the way she tells her story morphs into something beautiful, a sight to behold -- inspired. It's amazing, because even with just the way the narrative was written.... Oliver was able to demonstrate how love can transform a person, and how it can do wonders in someone's outlook in life.

Her bestfriend, Hana Tate -- which (even if her description kinda felt like a clichè perfect YA heroine) still feels like a much more evolved character than her other literary counterparts. There's something fishy with the way she's too good to be true, like there's something really big lying underneath. She came off more as an enigma, and as I get further in, I get the sense that I need to know more about her. There's a Delirium novella titled "Hana", and that might be the answer to some of my questions about her.

Of course, Alex Sheathes -- the very reason Lena changed in the first place. The slow building up of Lena and Alex's attraction to each other was prety interesting. And when it escalated into something beautiful, I swear I can almost feel Alex's eyes bore into Lena's -- literally, like I'm almost witnessing it first hand for some reason. There were things which were a tad bit predictable to his story line....but he was so well written, that Oliver managed to make me fall in love with him, too. (It also helped that I've always imagined the Alex in my head as sort of Alex Pettyfer-ish and the fact that he's quoting e.e. cummings and all. C'mon!). And that scene at the end....ugh, let me just melt into a pool of feels because I can't even begin to fathom the extent of his love for Lena. LET ME HAVE MY OWN ALEX, PLEASE.

These are just some of the things that stroke a chord with me -- but what takes the cake would definitely be about Lena's mother. This storyline was so heartbreaking, not just generally but for the effect that it had on Lena growing up. This part of the story was handled splendidly (and shockingly! I swear I got goosebumps), and I admit that this is really my favorite part of the book besides the book-ender.

I guess the very fact that love is banned and is somehow condemned in their society is what intensified what they feel into something that they feel is worth standing up for. That the greater the resistance for the emotion that kept them going, the more they feel that it is something special and that they wouldn't admit it if it wasn't true because it's too risky and that they should fight for it because it's worth it. Maybe we're too used to the fact that love is a universally acceptable thing (which it is), and that it is far too great an idea that suppressing it would feel like a violation of something innate inside of us. Or maybe it's all those little things all at once.

I would've given it a 3, but because of how Oliver wrote the ending of this book.....I'm giving it a solid 4. I acted impulsively on Goodeads last time and rated it an outstanding 5 right after I read it -- that's how awesome it was. I swear, that has got to be one of the best, if not the most heartbreaking, book-enders I've read in years. And I would never forget how it broke me in all these familiar places. That scene alone inspired a mini movie in my head that has been playing in my mind ever since I closed it -- and that in itself speaks a great deal. Definitely recommended.

My Rating: ★★★★☆ (4 out of 5 stars)

Quotable Quotes:
It's so strange how life works: You want something and you wait and wait and feel like it's taking forever to come. Then it happens and it;s over and all you want to do is curl back up in that moment before things changed.  
The one good thing about being shy is that nobody bigs you when you want to be left alone. 
"Are you sure that being like everybody else will make you happy?" ~ Alex 
"That's when you really lose people, you know. When the pain passes." ~ Alex
Sometimes, the pain only makes it better, more intense more worth it. 
I guess that's just part of loving people; You have to give things up. Sometimes you even have to give them up. 
And now I know why they invented words for love, why they had to: it's the only thing that can come close to describing what I feel in that moment, the baffling mixture of pain and pleasure and fear and joy, all running sharply through me all at once.
Fast Facts:
Delirium was about to be be turned into a TV series, until Fox rejected and declined to pick up the pilot. Lena was supposed to be played by Emma Roberts, and Hana by Jeanine Mason (SYTYCD, yay!). Anyways, I found clips of the unaired pilot back at check it out here.
Quick thoughts on those clips: I'm really glad that this show was never picked up. I mean, I totally loved Delirium but there's just something really off about this pilot. The casting of Hana totally deviates from the book and bad acting from almost everyone -- and that's not even the major problem here. I think it's more with regards to the script. The lines felt really cheap  and flat for some reason, like its some sort of a normal teenage chick flick (which it's not). And don't even get me started on how casually they speak of "love". Ugh. The first episode alone covers the entire book 1, so yeah. It's weird. 


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