Saturday, December 6, 2014

Oh, life.

Through the roofs to rock bottom. Oh, life.

It's just sad to realize how much of my self-esteem depends on what I hear other people say about me. Whether it be bad, or imaginary bad... it's all the same. Some remarks always poke a hole no matter how high a wall I put from others, from all the judging, for all the endless mind games.

People don't always mean what they say, and even with that knowledge, I still let some things affect me when they're not even concrete enough to warrant my care. I don't have to give a shit about everything, but I still do. And it's heartbreaking how it can ruin a perfectly good day, a perfectly good mood.

It's hard. And it sucks.

And I wish I could get over this stupid inferiority complex, if just a little.

Note to self: Grow up.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Just sayin'.

And so I speak like a high school student -- a fangirling, nerd little girl.

But whatever. What I really want to be doing right now is to separate my online, personal, and professional life from each other. And I don't really know why that is really hard to do, but I guess, this is just me adjusting with everything. I know it's been a year, but I still have so much to go, so much to work on.

I don't really think that what I want and what I do in my spare time determines the worth of my work and undermines the quality of my outputs and what I deliver to clients. 

They want to get outputs done. And maybe this is childish, but... I just want to have fun.

Maybe work is a statement of my values and all, and maybe it is indeed personal but it sure is not my life.

I just have so many thoughts right now, I can't even.

Rambling 101

I get this really weird feeling of attachment to the idea that I am a total depressive. I’ve been researching things on how to at least address it – but deep in my heart I feel like I’m too stubborn to let go. I mean, I’m not willing to – so why the hell bother, right?

This serves as a bookmark. #.
Anyway, I spent the whole morning searching about “dreams”. Somehow, one thing led to another and I found myself researching about “psychoanalysis” which led me to “Freud” and ultimately to all the bizarre cases he published that formed the foundation of the current practice today.

I kept on reading them, and at the end of the day, I realized that scrutinizing and analyzing a thing to pieces makes it more complicated than it already is. Maybe there are really things that need to be left alone, things that are meant to stay where they are. I don’t think deciphering my feelings and thoughts right at this moment is the best course of action – because at the end of the day, managing it is more important for me to function properly.

Those dark clouds aren’t going anywhere, at least in the foreseeable future. What’s important is how I figure out a way to live with it.

Anyway, weird realizations are weird. O.O

Saturday, November 22, 2014

#BookHaul: ghostgirl by Tonya Hurley and Hollow City by Ransom Riggs

Oh what a great, great Sunday it is! Aside from me waking up relatively earlier than usual, doing my laundry (!), and generally just feeling really good today... I accidentally visited a book sale at my love, National Book Store, on my way to the coffee shop.

I got curious and all, so I decided to stop by. Goodness, I never imagined I was in for a surprise.

More (!!!).
I first spotted Tonya Hurley's ghostgirl for freaking 99 php only! I was so happy when I saw this because finally, finally I would be able to purchase something that's been bothering me since I saw it first came out -- and on sale, at that!

And because of a really good find, I decided to dig in more in hopes of finding another gem in the pile. After scouring and looking like an idiot bending over the racks for a very long time, I accidentally saw a familar-looking cover -- and when I held it up, it turned out to be Ransom Riggs' Hollow City!!! Oh. My. Freakin. Gawd.  I immediately decided to check the price (because, you know, the chances of finding a book like this in an actual sale is pretty slim and the chances that it was just misplaced was pretty high) -- and what stunned me was the price, it was also on sale, at freaking 75 php only!

This is MY day. And I am loving it.
I don't know what it is with NBS Davao, I seem to always find something interesting at a bargain. But hey, not that I am complaining -- because t's pretty fun.

And now, what really puzzles me is the fact that Hollow City is cheaper than ghostgirl. Lol. But yeah, I am a really happy kid right now. And it just gave me more of a motivation to actually finish what I need to be doing right now. Haha. 

If only I have more time. *sigh* But we gotta settle sometimes. And hope that everything would have their proper time. And I am rambling uselessly again. What the hell.

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Book: The Geography of You and Me by Jennifer E. Smith

One post before the holiday seasons kicks off (or it already has?). Anyway, leisure reading has been my escape with all the daily grind at work these past few days.. .and somehow, I picked up the first interesting thing I saw in the pile of e-books saved in my Note 3 - which lead me to another Jennifer Smith! Here yah!

Lucy and Owen meet somewhere between the tenth and eleventh floors of a New York City apartment building, on an elevator rendered useless by a citywide blackout. After they're rescued, they spend a single night together, wandering the darkened streets and marveling at the rare appearance of stars above Manhattan. But once the power is restored, so is reality. Lucy soon moves to Edinburgh with her parents, while Owen heads out west with his father. 
Lucy and Owen's relationship plays out across the globe as they stay in touch through postcards, occasional e-mails, and -- finally -- a reunion in the city where they first met. 
A carefully charted map of a long-distance relationship, Jennifer E. Smith's new novel shows that the center of the world isn't necessarily a place. It can be a person, too. (Via Goodreads)
There's a really romantic thing about love separated by distance but still struggling through. I know the premise is too good to be true...but, who doesn't like a little "romance" in their lives every once in a while, right?

First off, reading this piece was a breeze. Although there were instances in the middle when things got a little dragging... that very same weakness makes every meeting of the two main characters all the more electrifying. Smith managed to build anticipation which makes those meeting more special.

However, since this book somewhat focuses on the geographical locations of the two, I expected that the descriptions would also take you to where those characters were. But this books somehow fails on that department. I loved the alternate first POVs, though.

I know I have a penchant for all things depressing so it makes sense that my favorite part of the whole narrative (all subplots included) is when Owen and his father struggle to get on with their lives despite the gaping hole that losing his mother left. There's always this familiar pain of being left behind, that I swear there were instances when I hold my breath because of all the throbbing and the tightening of the chest that's happening. This kind of subplot hits home, so it's been a rather painful experience reading it.

But anyway, besides all that, this novel is light as light can be. Set in several countries, several places, this demonstrates that no matter how far away we are from each other, there's always this something that connects us from each other if the bond we've formed is special enough.

That one faithful encounter was magnified... which left me wondering if something like that could really happen in real life. I hope so. 

Recommended! :)

My Rating: ★★★☆☆ (3 out of 5 stars)

Quotable Quotes:
Because that's what happened when you were with someone like that: the world shrank to just the right size. It molded itself to fit only the two of you, and nothing more. 
Maybe it was possible that you could take someone out of their life and drop them in the middle of another place entirely and they could seem like someone completely different. But even if that were the case, she thought, it wasn't really that they had changed -- it was just the backdrop, the circumstances, the cast of characters. Just because you painted a house didn't mean the furniture inside was any different. It had to be the same with people. Deep down, at the very core, they'd still be the same no matter where they were, wouldn't they? 
"You can't know the answer until you ask the question."
But there's no such thing as completely fresh start. Everything new arrives on the heels of something old, and every beginning comes at the cost of an ending. 
...and it struck her as the truest form of kindness, the most basic sort of love: to be worried about the one who was worrying about you. 
When there was nothing but space between you, everything felt like a leap. 
He was like one of her novels, still unfinished and best understood in the right place and at the right time.

Maybe I really needed some light romance in my reading life just to purge out all the negative energy and my strange fixation to everything depressing. This was fun, anyway. :)

Monday, October 27, 2014


Constantly balancing in this tight rope of emotions.
This string, my lifeline.
One wrong step, one wrong move – and everything will be through.

Standing there at the end of it all.
My only grasp on reality.
Ready to shake it, ready to blow as hard as you can.

The only chance at salvation, that one shot of despair.

And I swear, I can almost feel the air of death brushing my cheek.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

#BookHaul: Every You, Every Me by David Levithan

It’s been a while since I posted something decent and I am honestly feeling a lot guilty about it than necessary. There were so many books opened and left unfinished. There were so many books bought and piled to gather dust. Looking at my bookshelf breaks my heart. And when I realize all the idles time I spent spacing out doing unnecessary things… that snaps the heck out of me. I’ve been too burned out to even do the things I love on my spare time. Too busy that I am losing something that makes who I am. I reflect through the books I read. I (even) used to think that I AM the books I’m reading. I don’t just choose randomly (well, almost). Because I don’t want to look back and realize that I’ve wasted my time in something that didn’t really matter. Because I want every reading experience to be worth it. Is it weird to want something like that?

Anyway, the whole point of this is that, no matter how hard it is to admit, I’ve been losing that side of me that I deeply love. I’m morphing into someone I don’t know if I even like in the first place. There’s this constant nagging feeling that I am changing and, as of today, I am not even sure if it’s for the better.

So much for all the drama.

No matter the backlogs, here’s a post to at least keep THE feeling. A new book haul!

We’ve been too busy in the past few months, and certain glimpse of breaks feel a lot special than they actually are. Strolling in the mall has become a past time and a breather. I decided to the visit the nearby local book store to buy some supplies… and to my (pleasant) surprise, there’s a sale going on. I naturally dug in, and what the heck, what I found was a pretty interesting and special thing.


To even find a David Levithan book in a pile of books on sale is soooo beyond me... that even without looking at the price tag, I immediately tucked it in. And it only costs freaking 99 pesos to boot! Good heavens!

Though I’ve read a considerable number of books in his name (thanks for breaking my heart to a million pieces, Everyday), this is (to my surprise, too) my first physical Levithan book. And I am so happy right now, I can’t even. You know that feeling when you almost can’t even? Yeah. Yeah, I know.

The book blurb says:

Evan is alone.
His best only friend, Ariel, is gone.
Evan is feels responsible.
And in her wake, Evan is left with nothing a guilty conscience and never-ending insomnia.
But then, while walking to school one morning, Evan finds an envelope in his path. Inside is a photograph. Of nothing, Except the spot where he is standing.
The next day, Evan finds another envelope. In the exact same spot as before. Inside is another photograph. Of him. Looking at the photo from the day before.
Evan’s not sure what to think. Is Ariel back? Are these photographs her way of tormenting him for reminding him of what he did to her? Or worse – has someone else found out what he did and is toying with him as punishment? Either way, he will not be able to sleep rest until he finds out who is responsible.
As the cryptic photos keep surfacing, Evan’s paranoia amplifies, and the feeling that he never really knew Ariel at all starts to paralyze dominate his life thoughts. Will he uncover the truth before he loses his mind his grasp on reality?
With Every You, Every Me, David Levithan and Jonathan Farmer have crafted a psychologically daring photographic novel about friendships won and lost, told through the eyes of a tortured teen struggling to live with a friend-shaped hole in his life – and with the idea that each of us can know someone only in our own specific, and singular, way.

Okay. That does it. In case you’re wondering, yeah, those strikedthrough words are intentional – which, in my opinion, will somehow make the whole reading experience pretty cool. Imagine reading complete trains of thoughts. That even if the words were not said, it is still being filtered… we still choose what we think and what shall go in our minds even before we let it out. That’s pretty, darn realistic right? Honestly I am really excited.

“I am not in love with you.” No. Not that, stupid.
I started skimming through it. And since this a photographic novel, something about it creeps me out. Especially when it is being instilled in your mind that the girl in the pictures is already dead. I don’t know if it’s just me, but looking at pictures of dead people spooks the hell out of me. Anyway, everything is good so far. And I am pretty dang excited. (I said it again, I know)


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