This day was pretty special. Things happened, and words were said, and it somehow lead me to think of that ONE THING I can’t seem to let go of -- even though it’s been years since I should already have.
I should be making my wishes, like almost everybody. But I want it to be something more.
I wanted to let go, long before the thought of it crossed my mind. I’ve been carrying on, struggling to move on - true, but I still can’t seem to leave behind those things that are not worth holding on to. The grudge, the regret, even the pang of guilt. Things happened and I knew that it could never go back to the way it used to be. I’ve accepted that fact, or so, I’m only thinking that. Because years have gone by but I still catch myself thinking about the things that happened and what I should’ve done to prevent the fallout. I still catch myself thinking about what-ifs, every once in a while.
But every time I carve into my mind that there’s no sense crying over spilled milk, a part of me always says ‘no’.
I can’t help but think that maybe it’s because of the way I lived my life after it. Protected. Inside my own little shell. I’ve never actually given anyone a chance. It’s like there’s always a barrier no matter how close someone could get. Strict business. Friends are only friends. I never found someone new. At least, I never allowed myself to.
I want to let go. I want to break free from all the memories that are haunting me when I least expect it. I want to not always be worried that I’ll be caught off guard and instantly shatter the shell I’ve built from all the self-denial. I want to stop cringing whenever I hear the name. I want to stop caring with whatever they’re doing, whatever they’re up to, and whatever they’re enjoying. I want to stop comparing myself - my state, to their’s. I want to do things without the hope that he would see that I’m living my life happily and that I’ve become better since he was gone. I want to stop living my life, according to their’s, surpassing their’s. I want to change every little thing that’s hurting me. I want to stop thinking about him, about them. I want to start thinking for myself.
It’s foolish. To always hurt myself, punish myself. When all I have to do was do well, and move on. I mean, how hard could that be? Before all of this, I used to think that it’s not really a big deal. But it is, after all. It’s hard. Now I know.
There’s no sense to it, really. I know it’s not it, but most often than not, I think that holding on to the pain was better than not feeling at all. I get the feeling that I never forgot because I never really wanted to. I kept saying that I’m willing, but the truth is, I’m just keeping it all locked up. Still occasionally getting it all back up - remembering all of them. But now, it’s different. I want to be better.
This, and only this.