Friday, November 11, 2011

11/11/11 is on.

This day was pretty special.  Things happened, and words were said, and it somehow lead me to think of that ONE THING I can’t seem to let go of -- even though it’s been years since I should already have.

I should be making my wishes, like almost everybody. But I want it to be something more.

I wanted to let go, long before the thought of it crossed my mind. I’ve been carrying on, struggling to move on - true, but I still can’t seem to leave behind those things that are not worth holding on to. The grudge, the regret, even the pang of guilt. Things happened and I knew that it could never go back to the way it used to be. I’ve accepted that fact, or so, I’m only thinking that. Because years have gone by but I still catch myself thinking about the things that happened and what I should’ve done to prevent the fallout. I still catch myself thinking about what-ifs, every once in a while.

But every time I carve into my mind that there’s no sense crying over spilled milk, a part of me always says ‘no’.

I can’t help but think that maybe it’s because of the way I lived my life after it. Protected. Inside my own little shell. I’ve never actually given anyone a chance. It’s like there’s always a barrier no matter how close someone could get. Strict business. Friends are only friends. I never found someone new. At least, I never allowed myself to.

I want to let go. I want to break free from all the memories that are haunting me when I least expect it. I want to not always be worried that I’ll be caught off guard and instantly shatter the shell I’ve built from all the self-denial. I want to stop cringing whenever I hear the name. I want to stop caring with whatever they’re doing, whatever they’re up to, and whatever they’re enjoying. I want to stop comparing myself - my state, to their’s. I want to do things without the hope that he would see that I’m living my life happily and that I’ve become better since he was gone. I want to stop living my life, according to their’s, surpassing their’s. I want to change every little thing that’s hurting me. I want to stop thinking about him, about them. I want to start thinking for myself.

It’s foolish. To always hurt myself, punish myself. When all I have to do was do well, and move on. I mean, how hard could that be? Before all of this, I used to think that it’s not really a big deal. But it is, after all. It’s hard. Now I know.

There’s no sense to it, really. I know it’s not it, but most often than not, I think that holding on to the pain was better than not feeling at all. I get the feeling that I never forgot because I never really wanted to. I kept saying that I’m willing, but the truth is, I’m just keeping it all locked up. Still occasionally getting it all back up - remembering all of them. But now, it’s different. I want to be better.

This, and only this.

1 comment:

Thanks for dropping by! I'd love to hear from you -- so don't think twice, just comment below and let's talk! If you're feeling like it, you could also link up and I'll make sure to visit your site if you have one. Much love, ~ R. :)


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