Quotes like these are my lifeline. That moment when you read a passage and it suddenly hit you because it was everything that you are and you are wondering how a stranger could figure it all out when you yourself can’t – that’s treasure.
“I do need time, though, for Naoko’s face to appear. And as the years have passed, the time has grown longer. The sad truth is that what I could recall in five seconds all too soon needed ten, then thirty, then a full minute – like shadows lengthening at dusk. Someday, I suppose, he shadows will be swallowed up in darkness. There is no way around it: my memory is growing ever more distant from the spot where Naoko used to stand – ever more distant from the spot where my old self used to stand. And nothing but scenery, that view of the meadow in October, returns again and again to me like a symbolic scene in a movie. Each time it appears, it delivers a kick to some part of my mind. “Wake up,” it says. I’m still here. Wake up and think about it. Think about why I’m still here.” The kicking never hurts me. There’s no pain at all. Just a hollow sound that echoes with each kick. And even that is bound to fade one day. At the Hamburg airport, though, the kicks were longer and harder than usual. Which is why I’m writing this book. To think. To understand. It just happens to be the way I’m made. I have to write things down to feel I truly comprehend them.” ~ Toru Watanabe from Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami
From that vivid remembering and the sudden shrivelling away of that memory. To the unexpected kicking, and how it never hurts but it makes you feel empty all at the same time. And up to the fact that writing is the only way to organize and realize your own scrambled thoughts. That was me. Back then, back there, and until now.
I’m sure it happened to all of us, one time or another. That feeling that you know you’re gonna hold on to that special memory forever no matter what you do, but still, you find yourself forgetting it, bit by bit, until nothings left and your head hurts because you can’t even glimpse a single light to uncover that forgotten memory no matter what you do. Whether it was something that hurt you so bad that the mere thought of it sent you holding on to your chest because you can feel how your heart throbbed like crazy and you can’t even breathe easily. Or whether it was something so significant and so joyous that you felt that it was everything you’ve ever wanted, and suddenly everything felt right in your whole life. Those kinds of moments.
But in the end, it will fade away. All those memories will just be a hazy smoke that filled our very minds. It was there one day, and gone the next. Whether you will it or not. Sometimes, the most special moments are the ones we forget. And when you are there, living as if it never happened, it will come surging like a huge wave all of a sudden, catching you off guard. Whenever it happens, I feel like crying. Because nothing really hurts like sudden emotions you didn’t even expect overwhelming you like crazy, without warning.
And at the end of the day, I could only write about it. Because I fear that no one really understands, and I’ll just hear things I don’t really need or want to hear if I just pushed with it.
Like what I’m doing right now.