I was somehow having that kind of episode when Nina LaCour's Hold Still came to mind. So I decided to search for the book that I almost forgot existed in my shelf -- turns out I misplaced it so I didn't see it that often.
Hold Still basically revolved around the friendship of two girls named Caitlyn and Ingrid, and is a book that really stayed with me long after I finished reading it. They have this amazing bond, that when Ingrid took her life, Caitlyn was deeply shaken by it. No suicide note, no goodbyes, just the glaring fact that she no longer have the one person who knows and understands her inside out. Things were going downhill, when one day she found Ingrid's well-kept journal under her bed. She started reading it, and begins to understand the inner workings of her best friend's mind that is still much of an enigma to her no matter how close they've become.
Ingrid was clinically depressed and as much as she tried to be normal around Caitlyn, everything haunts her when she's all alone. This has been her one true breather of everything that's been bothering her that she can't even tell her best friend. If you would ask me, reading through her journal was the best part of reading through LaCour's book.
Well, so much for introductions.
The thing is... I've been feeling a bit shitty about myself these past few days, and there has been a sudden drop of self-esteem going on. I was feeling quite alone, and I don't really have someone to talk to about it and I got this feeling that no one would really understand. So you can only imagine how annoying my days can get.
I'm not clinically depressed, of course -- I just get very lonely sometimes and I need to vent it out. And when I can't, a series of frustrations and stuff happen. Not to be morbid, but I can really relate to Ingrid when I'm having these episodes. The way things can get so confusing, and you are looking for reasons when there's actually none. How sometimes, sadness can be so heavy a burden that you can't get away from it. How sometimes even laughing your heart out hurts so you can't really do anything about it.
I don't really want someone to tell me everything's gonna be alright now because you know, when you're the one in this situation, you feel that there's nothing beyond and all you know is the present and you're actually miserable at the moment. There are time when you just want to soak in all the shittiness of life and find someone, something, that understands. That can mirror what you feel with great clarity.
And when you see that, it actually makes you feel a little better if not totally alright.
Reading is as much an expression of yourself as writing, I believe. You read what you feel. You read what you relate to. And for those of us who feel this way and can't seem to properly form a coherent view of what we're feeling, it's a really nice thing to see a book character struggling through whatever you're undergoing right now, too. It felt like someone you don't really know understands, and that in itself is a comforting thought. The things I cannot say, the things that I can't figure out -- they can. Isn't it awesome?
Sometimes when you're going through a lot, it pays to just pick up the book that you really relate to at the moment. It may not be as concrete as others prefer, but it is really a comforting feeling to just read away and feel that somebody understands without even explaining yourself in the first place. Right?
|or so they say...|
Have you ever experienced this kind of thing? Feel free to comment up and let's talk!