Thursday, May 9, 2013

Disturbance

130 days.
My formal review session is 130 days long.
And what freaks me out the most is the way that I don't freak out even though it's only days before it officially start and I haven't reviewed a single subject at all. >.<

Stacks of reading materials. Fault at the top, my FinAcc2 book below. My calculator covering some random magazine that I was leafing through a while ago.

Before my last term in college ended, I already told myself that I'll pick up those books right after the day of my graduation but I haven't done that. It seems that for days I've been so distracted that I've been in and out of that mindset -- which only made it worse because it feels that I am doing so much but never really finish anything or even start at all.

I honestly just want to know what the hell is wrong with me.

Before I go to sleep, I psyche myself that tomorrow would be the start. That I'd wake up early. And do everything as planned. (I even jotted down what to do from waking up, to taking a bath, to my daily devotion, to eating breakfast -- down to the minute.) But somehow, something always screws up the plan.

I wonder why it's so damn hard following these plans.
And I wonder why it's so hard to concentrate and motivate myself to strive harder. (It even felt like I am not trying at all.)

This is the REAL THING, and I wonder why I feel like I've exerted more effort when I was still studying at school than now when I am finally prepping up to what I've been working hard to arrive at these past five years.

I find it so incomprehensibly frustrating that I am not my usual self when the real battle is now starting. And honestly, I'm feeling too misguided and lost right now that I don't even know what to do about it.

Why is it so hard to just straight up STUDY for the board than choosing to do the meaningless routine that I've subjected myself into that seem to just lead to pointless late nights and wasted time?

Well, no ones's gonna fight this battle with myself but me -- so I guess a little more willpower will do.

Note to self: Riza, just please get your head together. FOCUS.ON.THE.GOAL.

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