It's been more than 2 months, but it still feels weird and painful at the same time.
It hurts me to face the fact that words don't really come easy just when you need them. I've always wanted to share this, but somehow, anything I say or write isn't enough. The sad realization is that sharing something so dear to you, so close to you is like exposing a part of you that you could never afford to put out in the open.
So far, I've been failing all my expectations -- how I would react, how I would go on, and how I would handle this kind of situation -- but since my expectations were built from years of exposures to novels and made up stories, I guess it's natural.
I've always imagined that my world would come to a sudden stop when I experience something like this, but honestly -- today -- for the first time in my life, I'm glad that I didn't live up to my expectations.
What's with all the big deal? Well here's the thing.
My mother just passed away, so suddenly, last June 17, 2013.
And as much as it hurts me to remind myself of that single fact that change my life during these past few months, I have to accept it. And one way of accepting it, I guess, is finally acknowledging it in the open (which I haven't really done outright in Facebook for all to see).
Since this blog is a personal space, I know it deserves better than random bits of fangirling and stuff -- but real emotions and stories rather.
So here's the deal: what I'm gonna be posting below is an excerpt of my first devotion after my mom passed away. Honestly, I clearly remember how conflicted I felt back then whether to open my bible or not. Maybe i was just too scared of the message that I've missed out, and was really afraid to be confronted by some painful realities. But I'm glad i chose to open it. And here it goes:
July 1, 2013
SCRIPTURE: "The reason I want to be happy is to make you happy. I wrote as I did because I didn't want to visit you and be made to feel bad, when you should make me feel happy. At the time I wrote, I was suffering terribly. My eyes were full of tears, and my heart was broken. But i didn't want to make you feel bad, I only wanted to let you know how much I cared for you." 2 Corinthians 2:34
REFLECTIONS: During the whole time that Paul wrote several letters to different churches, he was suffering terribly. And then I began to wonder... Is this really how someone whose eyes were full of tears and whose heart is broken should sound? how can he sound so cheerful, so full of life, and so eager to continue on and plan ahead all the travels he would go to once his means permits him to do so?
Paul was so overwhelmed with the love of the Lord that he even forgot the pain even for just a short time. Paul was so inspired by the Lord and his faith that the sufferings he is undergoing at that very moment were nothing to him. He is continuing on, planning ahead, looking beyond what was there to what will be. It is because he knows that these pains were all fleeting, all temporary; and eventually his faith will be rewarded because he knows, for certain, that at that right moment, the Lord will take it all away -- everything -- to be replaced by just pure happiness and pride that he has not given up at his most trying times.Because when there is no fear and when one is not afraid, there is nothing to be strong about. "It is only when someone is afraid that he can be brave" [G.R.R.M]. So much depends upon him and he holds so much responsibilities because he has been chosen by the Lord, so he can't afford to give in to weakness. He must be strong and must be able to endure every hardship for others.
Challenges and hurdles would either turn you away from the Lord or bring you closer to Him. ALWAYS CHOOSE THE LATTER. No matter how hard it is to choose that, sometimes. ALWAYS CHOOSE THE LORD. For it is only through Him that everything will be better. And you will be stronger.
PRAYER: Lord, I know that there so much to be thankful about despite everything -- that my family stood strong, that my siblings were not as shaken as as I expected them to be, that my father is still hanging on even though I know he's just holding it together because of us, that I held it together for that long -- but there is just so much pain right now that I can't concentrate on the good and just forget the bad.
Lord, help me mend these bruises. Help me regain that strength -- and because these happenings have somehow drained me, help me restore the life that escaped my heart through everything. Lord God, walking out of that church without Mama was so heartbreaking it was all I could do not to cry. Visiting her grave, before I go to Manila and resume reviewing for the boards, was very painful. To realize that she's just in that patch of dirt forever and that no one that warm would talk to us and hug us and take care of us and no one for us to call Mama anymore was just too much. And even though how hard I try to not show it and just be happy about the fact that she's now in a better place, at your side at her eternal rest, I can't stop it from breaking my heart. Lord God, bring back that 'thing' that went missing in me when Mama was taken away from us. Help me restore myself into something that You deserve as a follower, as a person, as an "ate", and as a daughter, as well as a friend.
It's hard to go on and continue to your normal routine when you clearly know that something is missing and it left a huge hole in your heart that at the moment felt like nothing could ever fill when that one person was gone. But Lord, fill it for me. Fill that void, and bring the ME that I like back again. It's hard thinking about the idea that she just left like that -- that she has not walked away from us and she just lost her grip on life even though she clearly still don't want to.
I take comfort at the thought that it was all according to plan -- all according to Your perfect plan. But sometimes I can't help but ask why that plan can only be accomplished at the expense of someone I love and cherish most in life. I'm so sorry, my Lord, that that thought ever crossed my mind. It was just too painful to see everything that has been laid out and to anticipate everything great that's to happen, but I know that it is what I should do. Have an unquestioning faith.
Lord, clear my eyes so that I may see. Help me see everything in a good light so that I may not hurt as much I am hurting now. I may not know what those plans are at the moment, but I know for sure that one of it is to make me stronger and tougher to face life as it comes.
Thank You. Forever. Always.
Well that was heavy, and kind of relieving. To anyone who got this far, I congratulate you. To those who don't, hmm, I understand, that was one long piece afterall.
Written in pure stream of consciousness one day when I decided to open the bible. I'm sorry if ever there are any grammatical or spelling errors.
[unintentional ASOIAF reference. Sorry, I can't help it. >.< ]
There are no words for what I'm feeling right now, really.
But I miss you.
We miss you. More. Each day.
We love you so much.