Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Because even mistakes are choices you make yourself.

When everything feels too much, most often than not, they actually are. 

It almost seems like I've gotten myself in a bind lately. My mind is spiraling into this total uncontrollable mess -- and I kept on assuming and assuming things that, for some, won't really add up to something even remotely worthy of their attention. My thoughts are in a haywire. Just because I came face to face with the sad fact that I am not doing enough to explore possibilities and all its little corners. I am always like that. And it led me to thinking that maybe, just maybe, I am sheltering myself yet again to the mistakes that I know I'll eventually make.

I've been living such a controlled life ever since. The words I utter, mapped out. The actions I take, calculated. The decisions I make, thought of. I make mistakes, yes. And sure, there were rare moments when I slipped -- but those can't even be considered as major. I don't even know if it's a good thing. Well, normally, yes --- but I fear that in exchange of all those years of me trying my best to be straight as a stick... is the cruel realization that I am missing out so much.

To fall crazy in love, your actions uncontrollable anymore.
To not follow rules and live life with just total abandon.
To make rash, major decisions without thinking of the consequences.
To just outright follow what YOU like without even knowing where it would lead you or to find out if it even leads to somewhere.

I wonder when I started being so afraid to come out of my shell, my little make-believe. I've tried reacting recklessly in certain insignificant situations...and I am only left with regret right after I vomit the words or subconsciously act without thinking.

I've been thinking about all the things that made up my life thus far... and sadly, I can't even make a decent list of the times when I let go and lived my life according to my instincts. I want to be spontaneous. I want to let loose, for once. And yes, I want to make mistakes -- just to break the monotony that's been going on since I can't remember. I am so ready to make mistakes, but still, too afraid to actually start doing them.

This is not even the first time I've felt like this. I am that content teenage girl who's willing to just settle during those times... but now, I don't think this is enough. I want more -- out of myself, and out of my life. And it sucks to demand something that I don't even know how to get... but I keep searching for it all the same.

I am always choosing the right thing... but the real question is, am I choosing wisely?


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