Saturday, August 9, 2014

Random Morning Ramblings

It's 5 in the morning... and as to why I'm choosing to blog instead of sleep, I don't even know. But staring at the ceiling far too long than necessary convinced me that maybe, somehow, there's something I need to take out of my chest right now -- before it's too late and the drive to write it down leaves me again, uncertain as to when it would return.

It's takes too much effort to clear my mind these days. I am not loving it, but I am not exactly hating it either. I promised to post as much as I can...but in the end, that "as much as I can" turned out to become "once in a blue moon". Recently, someone mentioned to me that you can't really write [blog] if you are not in the mood.That even though you have too much to say, so much on your head... it takes timing to be able to extract it from your mind and translate it into paper, into words.

"Which is why I’m writing this book. To think. To understand. It just happens to be the way I’m made. I have to write things down to feel I truly comprehend them.” ~ Toru Watanabe, Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami [see, rel: That hits home!]

It was a laid out fact. But the mood thing gets me. Writing my thoughts down is supposed to be my nature, it's not supposed to be a struggle.

These past few months have been a continuing effort of coming out of my shell. I did improve, I'd like to believe that. And it is a good thing right? That I'm starting to open up. Started sharing my thoughts, not just vomiting them out through my keyboard to a computer screen. I keep blurting out my thoughts to others, but at the end of the day, there's this bitter taste in my mouth that translates to: "Everything feels so cheap and feeble."

It's hard to properly and fully explain this, but sometimes I think I am loosing the ability to think deeply and reflect. Extroversion is too exhausting. And for people like me, trying to adapt to it and practicing it on a daily basis more than necessary reduces something in me -- that something that years of thinking and keeping my thoughts to myself have taught me.

I can't properly map out my thoughts these days. And since I am not writing as much as I used to, I can't fully comprehend what's in my head -- I can't fully understand myself. I always get this feeling that writing about something makes it more real. Like thoughts translated into something concrete. Talking about it does not have the same effect, though. It doesn't take much to realize that I would always need writing to tame my thoughts and put them in order. It's my sole solid ground when everything feels like it's spinning uncontrollably.

I can see tiny specks of light breaking through my bedroom window now. It's morning. Maybe this is just me needing some sleep.
__________

2 comments:

  1. Well, the mind is a complicated place. It's always going to be difficult to comprehend and I don't think anyone will ever fully be able to. The closest I can get to analysing my thoughts is by writing them down in a diary, or I guess typing them, which is what you're doing. When it comes to telling other people my thoughts however, that's sharing them. It's therapeutic. It helps me feel happier by letting some of it go. I guess blogging could be the same thing, since you have other people reading your thoughts that you post. I don't know if it's the same though, seeing as I haven't posted any of my deeper thoughts on my blog. I am planning to though.

    -M

    http://thelyfoflittleme.blogspot.com.au/

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm happy that someone agrees with me. And I agree with you too...that sharing some of your thoughts makes you a wee bit happier because it meant that you've let some of it go. It's too hard working around and going on when you have too much baggage to begin with -- and I've always considered blogging as an outlet for everything. I'll be looking forward to insightful personal posts. Will follow you. Thanks for dropping by and commenting. :)

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for dropping by! I'd love to hear from you -- so don't think twice, just comment below and let's talk! If you're feeling like it, you could also link up and I'll make sure to visit your site if you have one. Much love, ~ R. :)

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